Amara’s room
“i really don’t know what to tell you, besides my advice dosen’t count. Does it?” Amara asked after listening to all i told her concerning Benjamin and Mike. She truly was right that her advice dosen’t count, but i still needed it notwithstanding.
“i really won’t involve myself in your affairs any longer, just follow your heart” she concluded.
___
Mike really was the person my heart yearned for and following it could bring my troublesome spirit to rest, but how to make Benjamin understand was another heavy burden which i truly didn’t know how to face.
It was very obvious he truly loved me, because he sacrificed alot for my happiness and even forgave me when i cheated on him. But my greatest fear was that his love could fade with time, perhaps when nature begins showing itself on me. The age difference between us wasn’t that much and i knew with time my physical appearance would change much more than his. Yea i knew it was a lame excuse but will he still love me when that happens? Can i risk waiting at least four more years for him to stand firm and be financially stable to cater for a family? What if he dosen’t get employed within that period? What if he later changes his mind about me, will i be able to make up for the lost time? Will i be able to fall in love again? Can i ever forgive myself?? No i can’t take such risk” i concluded thoughtfully.
“Campus love affairs are nothing but a fantasy life we create and plunge our youthful life in just for fun, Pride and experimentation. It mostly has no longevity”.
However, due to the great respect and commitment i felt for Benjamin, i made up my mind to be with him till the end of his degree exams, because I knew i won’t be able to forgive myself if he lost concentration because of me.
But Benjamin thinking all was settling for good between us began spoiling me with gifts once again. At first i declined accepting them, but he kept insisting until i finally caved in. We cooked, played and gisted like we used to, but the only thing i denied him was s-x. I refused him access to my body but it never bothered him because of his forthcoming degree exams which he was preparing himself both mentally and spiritually for.
6pm, Monday evening, two weeks later
I sat beside Mike in his car, breathing quickly as i prepared myself to tell him my decision. Truly whatever agreement we were to reach that fateful evening will decide my fate and destiny. It equally was the last day he gave me to make up my mind.
“God alone knows our destiny”
“so how far?” he anxiously asked,
“i havn’t been able to decide anything” i murmured with a fast pounding heart.
“c’mon don’t tell me that. Have you forgotten i gave you only two weeks to decide, why are you behaving like this?” he curiously asked.
“Mike i’ll give you an answer at the end of this semester, please allow me to focus on my studies, i can’t be thinking of your proposal when i have exams to prepare” i poured out.
“i really don’t know the kind of game you are playing, seriously i don’t” he complained.
“so what’s so hard for you to wait an extra month for me to decide?” i asked,
“because i don’t understand you and i fear i may end up killing my time for nothing” he replied.
“if you truly love me, you will be willing to take the risk” i spoke defiantly. He breathed deeply, grabbed my left hand and stared into my eyes.
“tell me the truth, what’s happening please?” he pleaded. My lips quivered, while my bright eyes grew dim under his manly grasp.
“but for one thing, i would have said yes this instant, and gone with you to the very end of the world” i confessed.
“but what is it, Cyndii?” he asked, “what is it, my darling?”
“i cannot leave him, Mike– I cannot leave Benjamin by this hour, he’s preparing for his degree exams please be considerate. Yes i’m with him, but it’s more of a friendship thing, because there is no sexual intercourse between us anymore, but you don’t have to believe me” i explained. “It is the only atonement i can offer him, i owe Benjamin this reparation for the evil i have done him and i must make it till he completes his degree exams, after which i will give you the answer you so much desire” i added.
He drew nearer and kissed my trembling lips “alright i understand” he murmured coldly.
“speak to me Mike, it’s hard, i know but tell me that i’m doing the right thing” i begged. He looked down and shook his head.
“you are cruelly doing the right thing” he murmured and switched on his car engine.
“i have to get going, i really can’t stand this anymore” he quietly added. I stared at him inquisitively but couldn’t say any word to him.
I quietly alighted from his car while he furiously drove away without even bothering to give me a goodbye smile.
It really was a very painful parting and i couldn’t help but wonder if he will ever return for me…
I cried in my room as i thought over Mike’s behaviour.
“have i lost him forever?” did i miscalculate by pushing my luck to the extreme? I wondered with tears.
_____
I however devoted my time in being by Benjamin’s side as his degree exams slowly drew near, equally pushing my fears and sorrows to the back of my mind.
In no time i got used to my new way of living, hiding my fears with smiles, and taking life as i saw it. Benjamin equally never gave me cause to worry, he never brought up any topic that would hurt my feelings nor even mentioned Mike’s name. He truly was the ideal guy for any woman but he wasn’t destined for me. I felt nothing but commitment, compassion and little respect for him.
Finally the exams came and went with the speed of light. Benjamin was finally a graduate. I really can’t forget the night he graduated, how happy and overjoyed he was and the miserable look on his face as he begged for s-x after the celebration.
He had insisted i spend the night in his room when we returned from the party his department organised. I agreed just to make him happy, but when he began touching me later in the night, i felt nothing but anger and irritation. I had to push him roughly away from me.
“i have waited so long for this moment, why are you denying me your body, are you upset over something?” he asked anxiously,
“i’m menstruating, just sleep and let me be please” i replied a bit coldly, but he wasn’t convinced.
“it isn’t fair dear, why are you like this?” he begged.
“seriously Ben i do appreciate your love, care and everything, but this night is going to be our last together, i have tried to develop more feelings for you but was unable to. Moreover i know your mum no longer likes me, so please tonight is our last” i plainly poured out to a visibly surprised Benjamin. He gasped, left the bed and slept on the rug without saying another word to me.
The next morning i left his room before he woke up.
Though what i did touched me, i was very glad i did it because i really couldn’t guarantee my happiness with him.
He however never did speak to me again.
He moved{packed} out of the hostel days later without bothering to notify me. I was a bit distressed because i really never wanted things to end that way between us and would have wanted for us to remain good friends.
Finally, I anxiously began waiting for Mike who never showed up nor called on phone. I soon wrote my second semester exams and travelled home for christmas months later.
Three months i waited for Mike, but not even a single phone call did i get from him. I lost hope, but for my pride i would have called him myself.
Perhaps he wasn’t in my destiny either.
I was cooking at the backyard when mum ran into the kitchen very excited and full of smiles.
“guess who just visited us?” she asked happily,
“i can’t guess mum, pls tell me” i begged.
“Mike came with his parents, they are in the sitting room with your father” she said to me. I quickly dropped the kitchen spoon i was holding, without minding where it fell nor the rough clothes i was wearing and ran into the sitting room where dad sat with Mike and his parents.
I greeted and welcomed them happily, my heart pounding furiously. Mike stared at me with a smile, understanding the girlish shyness and sweet fear that had changed me into a timid girl. He stood up without wasting time.
“Cyndii please i have something to tell you” he calmly said to me. My face instantly flushed at his words, eyes drooping with shy, sweet happiness.
“let’s go outside dear” he begged. I breathed deeply, looked at my dad who nodded in approval, shrugged and left the room with him.
“i have borne my impatience and pride for the last three months,” he said when we got to a lonely part of our compound; “but i now must speak to you, for i can bear it no longer, Cyndii. Oh, do not turn away from me! I can’t hold my pride anymore, I love you, and i want you to be my wife– my wife, darling; and i will love you– I will cherish you– I will spend my whole life in working for you, I have no hope so great, so sweet, so dear, as the hope of winning you.” he poured out.
I made no answer. Yet my silence was more eloquent than words.
“it seems a strange thing to say, but, Cyndii all the time i was away, my heart was really with you” he confessed. I listened with a happy smile playing round my lips, my eyes drooping, while my face flushed and turned from his.
“you are my fate, my destiny!, if only you will say yes to me. Your love would incite me to win name and fame, not for myself but for you. Your love would crown a king. I beg of you, say yes to me this instant. Surely great love wins great love and there could be no greater love than mine” he begged desperately.
It was at this stage that our eyes met. The next moment he clasped me to his heart, pouring out a torrent of passionate words– such words, so tender, so loving, so full of passion and hope, that my face grew pale as i trembled and listened.
“it’s love that makes life. Only to think, my darling, that you and i may spend every hour of it together. Just say yes to me and by Easter we will get married” he proposed.
I raised my eyes to the fair, calm heavens, and infinite happiness filled my soul, a deep, silent prayer ascended unspoken from my heart.
“yes Mike i accept you” i finally opened up with tears.
He smiled happily as we hugged each other, but deep down i still felt an uncertain fear.
With a whimper of relief he smiled at me. His face was absolutely ashen, his lips white, as he pulled me savagely into his arms, folding me into the safety of his body, cradling my head, then cupping my face in his hands and tilting it upwards.
His eyes moved feverishly over my face as if he wanted to reassure himself i was really there.
“thank God” he murmured as he bent his head, pressing his lips to my hair.
“i thought i’d lost you again” he confessed.
“but what kept you away for so long?” i asked curiously,
“it was my pride my dear, it ate me up like a terminal disease, but i eventually overcame it and came running with my parents. How do i make up for my complete and utter crassness?” he asked remorsefully. I looked away.
“I got this for you……” He said, as he let go of me for a moment, pulling out something from his pocket,
“now i want to do it properly, before anything else happens to come between us” he smiled as he held out his hand. In the centre of his palm lay a gold ring.
‘Cyndii—‘ he pulled me gently back into his arms, kissed my cheekbone, my temple, and the corner of my mouth.
‘I love you—‘ he murmured.
I closed my eyes in bliss and felt the tears spilling out from beneath my lashes. Protesting against the sudden constriction of our bodies pressed together.
“i will forever love you, cherish you–” He broke off, raising my hand to his lips and placing a kiss on the tip of my index finger.
“comfort you, protect you…..” he kissed my middle finger.
“honour you and make endless fantastic love with you for all the days of my life.” holding up my third finger, he slid the ring onto it.
“if you will have me” He prayed. Through a shimmering veil of tears, i gave a soft laugh…….
I was so happy, and so thrilled, because all my dreams were coming to past. What else could i wish for?
Together we walked into the sitting room to break the joyful news to our dear old parents.
Mike made the necessary first payment {which showed that he has reached an agreement with my family}, just like our custom demanded, before collecting the list of items required for our traditional marriage, Promising to show up three weeks later for the first stage of Introduction{presenting himself to my kinsmen}
Unluckily it never happened as we planned.
Precisely two weeks later, I got a very terrible news which almost killed me.
Hmmmm it truly wasn’t the kind of news i was expecting at that stage of my life, neither is it the kind of news you guys are eager to read.
/Whatever/The following January brought unhappiness to my life.
4pm,10th January
Mum walked into the sitting room, with a heavily coloured and drawn face. My heart leapt as i noticed her condition.
“mum! are you alright?” i asked curiously,
“don’t mind me jare, i just recieved a very terrible news from a relative” she replied and walked to her room. I nervously ran after her.
“just let me be dear, your dad will be in a better position to break the news to you” she begged when she saw me enter her room. Her words panicked and got me more curious, instead of calming me like she expected.
“mum you are now getting me more worried” i held her hands, staring into her eyes. My heart pounded furiously as i wondered what could make her look so sick and nervous.
“mum i insist you tell me, please” i begged and shook her hands.
“alright fetch me a glass of water, i’m very thirsty” she ordered. I ran to the kitchen, filled a glass cup with water and ran back to her room.
She smiled reassuringly after drinking the water, breathed heavily and caressed my hair,
“i will tell you the news i just got, my dear. It really isn’t terrible like i earlier said, but just a bit surprising. So promise me you will behave like a proper lady when i open up to you” she asked of me.
“i promise i will behave mum” i managed to mutter anxiously.
“Mike has a child, do you know?” she broke the news to me like a question. I couldn’t believe my ears.
“which Mike ?” i asked fearfully,
“your Mike of course” she replied, “we had to ask around, in order to get first hand information about the family we are giving out our daughter to, and ended up getting this piece of information from a relative married in his Village” she explained, while i bit my lips as sadness, disbelief and pain instantly filled my heart.
Mum clearly understood my condition, drew my head to her chest and patted me like a baby.
“you shouldn’t feel very bad, you can still go ahead with the marriage if you love him well enough to overlook the little hinderance. The child is a girl and i heard the parents never accepted both the little girl and her mother” she consoled me,
“Mum please don’t talk like that” i cried, “how did it even happen?” i heard myself asking.
“according to my source, she said he got the girl pregnant before going for his Nysc. That should make the child a year or more, i guess” she replied. I felt empty, sad and weak.
“No wonder he was very anxious to marry me quickly and his mum even hid it from me” i cried bitterly. …
I FELT PLAYED AND BETRAYED, very uncertain of my future with him.
The next evening, Mike was in our house as if someone alerted him of what we discovered. He came straight to my room, sat on the bed and stared at me nervously. I sat up and stared back at him with a ferocious look, breathing heavily as i tried so hard to control my emotions.
“dearie please calm down, the love i have for you is very sincere, listen to me darling, please listen to me” he pleaded nervously.
“you are just a heartless con artist. You thought you could hide such a big scandal from me didn’t you, or have you cooked up another lie, c’mon spin it out” i said angrily. He shuddered as my words hit him hard, forcing him to look down remorsefully.
“i couldn’t get myself to tell you about it because i was very scared of your reaction, i couldn’t risk losing you over a silly mistake” he murmured earnestly, “the girl was a mistake and i have nothing to do with the mother anymore, please believe me. It was only a one night stand i regret ever doing, please don’t judge me over it. Judge me for who i’m and not for who i was please” he begged,
“i want to see the little girl and her mother. I want to see them before i say anything else to you” i requested seriously. His hands shook as he tried to hold my waist, he breathed deeply and stared at me curiously.
“don’t tell me you are already changing your mind /over us/?” he asked with a coloured face. I scoffed and looked away.
“i’m not happy with you and i have nothing else to say till i see your little daughter and her mum” I concluded bitterly.
“this is so unfair Cyndii, why do you insist on seeing them? I can’t let you see them, i just can’t” he murmured sadly, while i forced out a dry smile.
I demanded to see the girl and her mother because i wanted to get first hand information, concerning the level of relationship they enjoy with him. Moreover i really couldn’t bear standing between anyone’s happiness especially when a child is involved. I hate seeing a child grow up without a father. I know to some people it matters not, but to me it matters alot.
“what you are asking of me is very outrageous, i can’t do it. Moreover they are not living with me and i can’t take you to her house” he explained seriously,
“then invite her to yours or somewhere condusive for us to meet” i insisted.
“meet over what?”, “and what exactly do you expect me to tell her huh?, that my fiancee want’s to see her, you are very insensitive to another person’s plight, you only think about yourself which isn’t good.” “I understood and was resonable with you when you were virtually living with Benjamin, why can’t you respect my feelings?, infact i can’t stand you this evening, i’m leaving” he poured out angrily, stood up and left the room, while i silently reflected over his words.
“oh my God, he just accused me of being insensitive and selfish. Is he right?” i gasped and wondered.
Mum ran into my room few minutes later, with concern written all over her face,
“hope you weren’t hard on him?” she curiously asked, while i picked my nose.
“the poor boy is in bad shape, looking very troubled and sad in the sitting room. Tell me, what did you say to him?” she inquired seriously.
“i only asked to see his daughter before deciding anything, but he suddenly grew very intense and annoying. Imagine the boldness” I complained to Mum, who calmly sat beside me, held my left hand and smiled at me.
“you should have been more understanding and diplomatic with your request. Go talk to him dear, I believe you guys can sort things out or are you changing your mind about him already?” She asked. I rolled my eyes and smiled at her.
“oh mum don’t ask me that question, but the truth is that i can’t help but feel for the child and her mother. I can’t imagine what he told the poor girl before doing the deed which got her pregnant” I explained.
“you are right my dear” she said with a nod, “You are always very considerate of other people’s feelings” she said softly. I smiled,
“but Mike just accused me of being selfish and insensitve” i murmured,
“oh please, go and settle with him jare” she stood up and dragged me to the sitting room, where Mike sat with a drawn face. I quietly sat on his laps, mum smiled and left us alone.
“i’m very sorry for being rude, i never intended to disrespect you nor hurt your feelings, but as your future wife it’s my duty to know everything about you and i believe i have every right to know your daughter and her mother, please don’t deny that to me, i beg of you” I pleaded calmly with all my heart. He looked away thoughfully, breathed deeply and stared into my eyes.
“alright your wish will be granted, you leave me with no choice than to make it happen, but i do have a very bad feeling about it” he said with a forced smile, while i heaved a sigh of relief.
“I will invite her to my apartment in town on saturday, but i will be here on friday evening to pick you up” He added.
“no dear, i’ll prefer you come on saturday morning so i can bring my school things along” i requested humbly.
“alright i will be here very early on saturday” he accepted with a dry smile.
_______
“it wasn’t that hard after all, was it?” mum asked with a smile as soon as he left. I rolled my eyes and ran to the kitchen without answering her, praying silently that things work out between Mike and i, because with the direction things were heading, i really was a bit scared of my future with him.
Nervously, i waited for Saturday which slowly approached like a snail. I woke up that fateful day with a huge boil under my armpit.
Creepy isn’t it?
To be continued…
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